How to Survive an Egghead Convention

A step by step guide.

1) There are certain backgound conditions that apply. For example, it helps that the convention takes place in a sweet location. However, the condition of sweetness, whether locational or otherwise, is not entirely in your control. So don't sweat it. But when the stars align and you wind up in, say, San Francisco, it is necessary to take full advantage of the opportunity. In which case, proceed to step #2. If this should not occur, proceed directly to step #18.

2) First of all, find some friends to ride with.



3) And preferably a local guide.



4) A little research will be required to identify a good route.


Note that when portions of a route are referred to with terms like "paradise" and "panoramic," that is usually a good indication that the ride will be rated high on the sweetness index.

5) By sweet, we mean hills.



6) And scenic coastal roads.



7) Ridable monuments are a bonus too.



8) But as all good FGBCers know, good times are about more than just riding. So your advance research must also consider whether there are any local cyclocross races to attend.

9) It is even better when those local races are a world championship of sorts. In which case, the stars have aligned for a second time and your situation may once again be appropriately described as sweet. Some might refer to this as double sweetness. But true wordsmiths such as the Secretary rightly know that the preferred nomenclature here is super sweet.

10) As with the ride, sweetness is really a shorthand way of referring to a number of specific conditions, such as:

11) A Le Mans start.



12) From a valley down below.



13) Subsequent climbs out of which require the successful navigation of beer barriers,



14) Barriers of Unusual Size,



15) And a cesspool ride-through.



16) The presence of local celebrities is a bonus.



17) As is the presence of hot shot professional cxers.



18) Once again, every good FGBCer knows that good times are about more than just riding bikes and watching other people race them. For this reason, steps #7 and #17 are to be followed with generous servings of hoppy goodness.